~ The Most Expensive Collar you ever bought ~

What is The Most Expensive Collar you ever bought? Why of course... that very first show collar! How it all began In the Beginning... You got your dog, a real show dog, and quickly realized that you needed the correct collar to show him on. This in turn led you to that wonderful buttery smooth three foot leather lead. At your very first show, you noticed that you just HAD to have the proper grooming supplies also.

• Slicker Brush $9.00
• Comb $10.00
• Spray Bottle $4.00
• Good Conditioner $30.00
• Water Bottle $4.00
• Pin Brush $15.00
• Bait $10.00
• NEW Collar (your dog has now out grown that first one) $14.00
• Chalk $9.00
• Chalk Brush $15.00
• Cholesterol $10.00

YOU WIN YOUR FIRST POINT *****YOU'RE HOOKED********

• Bait $10.00
• Dog show calendar $12.00-don't want to miss ANY shows now. By now you're beginning to realize the back seat isn't a proper way to transport your dog.
• Dog Crate for the car $80.00

At your very next show you begin to feel a bit more confident and relaxed at dog shows. Borrowing and waiting to use your friends grooming table is so inconvenient.

• Grooming Table $95.00
• Grooming Arm $50.00
• Bait $10.00

You begin to start collecting dog show things, old towels, skirts with pockets, dresses with pockets, good comfortable shoes, rain gear, umbrellas, water jugs, etc $100.00

Too many grooming supplies?
• Tack Box for supplies $75.00
• Good comfortable Camp Chairs $35.00-we seem to be spending much more time at shows lately. Suddenly you realize all of these items AND your dog don't fit in the family car anymore.
• Used Mini Van $15,000.

Somewhere around this point you get tired of waiting to use your friends blow dryer.

• New blow dryer $250.00
• Extension Cord for Dryer $15.00
• Five-way plug for sharing electricity with your new dog show friends $10.00
• New and improved dog show collar and lead $40.00
• New type of improved Coat Conditioner $35.00
• Bait $10.00
• Your friends favorite Shampoo and Whitener $35.00
• New Comb and Slicker brush $25.00 (you lost the old ones at the last show)
• Scissors $100.00 (kitchen shears just don't trim those pads right)
• Muddy Show grounds...Roll up matt for covering ground $45.00

YOUR DOG PICKED UP HER NINTH SINGLE
The hunt for majors begins. After wasting much money on entries where majors didn't hold you begin to get frustrated and search out and find that new male show puppy and a perfect match for your female!

• Crate for new dog $80.00
• Show collar and lead for new dog $50.00 (your tastes have been refined now)
• Handling classes for new dog $40.00

The very first show teaches you, your Mini Van will not carry both crates and all your equipment.

• Brand New Larger Mini Van $55,000.00

Now having two dogs to show and get ready quickly teaches you a generator is required!

• Generator $325.00
• Two Dog Kennels for outside $1,000.00

Just got to pick up one of those majors on your female

• Handler for those major shows $200.00 (+/-)

YOUR FEMALE FINISHES!
Your new male is too young to breed.

• Updating & Health Clearances on Female $200.00
• Stud Fee $1,000.00
• Progesterone Testing $200.00
• Whelping box $250.00
• Vet bills-x-rays, sonograms, well mother checks $400.00
• Putting first aid whelping kit together $300.00
• Vaccines for new litter $150.00
• X-pen for puppies $80.00
• Whelping pads, fleeces, toys for puppies, weaning supplies, etc $450.00
• Baby Scale $45.00
• Well puppy and mother exams $150.00

Spectacular puppy in litter will be new show dog. Immediately realize Mini Van will NOT hold three dogs and show equipment

• Motor Home or Full size dog show van $30,000 to $200,000.00!!!!!!!!!

You suddenly realize you are eating macaroni and cheese while your dogs are eating Human Grade Dog food at $55.00 a bag.

Congratulations! You have now earned the title of "Dog Breeder!" Aren't you glad you are finally making those big bucks breeding dogs? So far you have invested $75,652.00 in showing your two dogs. This figure does NOT include dog food, the initial cost of your dogs, entry fees, motel bills, general vet bills, toys and Many other ownership incidentals.

Your litter of pups yielded six puppies, you kept one and sold the other five for $500.00 each.

Congratulations you just made $2,500.00 breeding your dogs! Now if you can just breed 30 or more litters you MAY just break even with your initial investment of over $75,000 +!

~ The Miracle of Birth ~
The tale usually goes like this:

1. Mom runs around frantic looking into every possible corner for a good nest.
2. Mom pants incredibly hard for hours, and shivers and shakes as though something wicked this way comes.
3. Mom climbs into my lap, tearing and clawing everything along the way. If my nostrils weren't so small I am certain she would climb them as well.
4. Mom is returned to a pre selected whelping area and I check my scars in the bathroom mirror.
5. Mom rips and shreds everything in the whelping box.
6. Mom sits exhausted panting for a few more hours.
7. We begin to check our watches. How long has it been?? We pace.
8. Another hour passes. We give Mom food and drink.
9. Mom pukes in the whelping box.
10. We clean up box, and Mom pukes on our bathroom rug.
11. Mom is returned to the whelping box. We pace.
12. Finally a grunt from Mom. A sigh of relief followed by more pacing.
13. More grunting. Too much grunting for too long. We check the time to see if a vet might be available at this hour. More pacing. Anxiety. What is the cost of a C-section at 1am Sunday vs. 1pm Monday.
14. Mom suddenly leaves the whelping box and no one knows where she went. We look everywhere, including the laundry basket, the flower garden and the cat litter box. (Experience tells us to do this).
15. Mom is returned to the whelping box.
16. Mom grunts. Mom screams. This is where the name Beowulf was first heard.
17. A few more grunts and the whelping box is flooded with slime. Mom is intent on hiding the newborn creature, or drags the pup across the room to greet us.
18. Quickly we tear the sac away from the face so Mom can continue with her "little miracle of birth."
19. Mom is protective of her newborn creature and we retreat to the bathroom in search of bandages.
20. Mom cleans the pup and eats the slimy sac filled with red and green and dark blue slime.
21. We no longer deny Mom the first sac, as we have fewer bandages to spare. Mom is less tenacious with the rest of the litter.
22. Perhaps several pups are whelped over a two-hour period. And the box is damp with green and brown slime.
23. We gently remove the pups and attempt to lure Mom out of the box, but Mom remains in the box wailing for her pups.
24. Mom is forcibly removed from the box, several times, while we change the lining, and then all are placed safely and snugly back into the box.
25. Mom pukes in the clean box. Gobs of slimy stuff.
26. Perhaps a few more pups are whelped after another hour of panting and grunting. Perhaps another hour of pacing and anxiety.
27. After an hour nap we return to the box to find Mom has sat on one and is in the process of eating another.
28. Desperate attempts to resuscitate the pup work, and the whimpering pup is returned to the box. After the pup re-appears Mom watches us like a hawk.
29. There are no remains of the half-eaten pup to clean out of the box. We inventory the pups, then take another nap.
30. Our next inventory might show one additional whelp or one less. We change the lining in the box and return all pups to their snug corner.
31. Mom is fed and watered. We tell her she did well.
32. At dawn we call the neighbor to announce the litter, and invariably she says, "Why didn't you call us? We wanted the children to experience the miracle of birth!"